Celebration of Life 7-28-18

Dear max,

Today you would have turned 15 months.

Where are you?

What am I doing here?

Wednesday was just an ordinary day. You cried a bit at night and daddy came to comfort you in our chocolate colored glider. He left a bit earlier than usual for work. I woke up earlier too and got to spend an extra half hour with you. I put away laundry as you sat on the floor, taking out a little towel that I had folded. I laughed and showed you how to put it back into our little basket.  I fed you some yogurt and kisses you goodbye for the last time.

To quote roger ebert, “It all happens in this blink of a lifetime, surrounded by the realms of unimaginable time and space.”

It feels as if an eternity has passed since that day. We saw you on the hospital bed with tubes keeping you alive. We wept, slept next to you, and held you until it it was all over.

We returned home. Every inch and corner of our house and every particle of our breath reminds us of you. When I look at daddy, I think of you. When he looks at me, he thinks of you.

You are the most joyous and loving baby, and I experienced a love that I have never known was possible. The love a mother feels for her child is overwhelming, unconditional, transcendent and also quite ordinary.

From today on, you will always be a Little Rock in my back pocket. Some days the rock will feel heavy, sharp and painful. Some days the rock will fee smooth and comforting.

Goodnight max. Mommy and daddy love you very very much.



One thought on “Celebration of Life 7-28-18”

  1. Shan,
    You and Brent were the best Mommy and Daddy. Max would immediately stop what he was doing to find your arms when we were with him. He wanted so much to be encircled in your hugs. I miss watching him love you and Brent and grow with you at his side. He will be with us forever, watching, loving, and giving us the best of what life is .

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